What would you do if you fell in love with two people at the same time? What would you do if they were married, straight partners, and you'd never had a sexual relationship with a woman before? If they both assured you that it was okay no matter what happened...what would you do? What if you jumped on the chance and all things were trucking along until you didn't know how to fit these things together under the microscope of the public eye? Until one of you felt less than... So you leave. You love them both so much yet you worry that staying means you will be hated. What would you do? What if you had to watch the media and the tabloids tear them apart? What would you do? I want to come home, but I don't know where my home is anymore. I have been dreaming so long I don't know what's real anymore. I refuse to kill myself to wake up. But I want to live a real life. Being in superposition this long means I have sacrificed myself along the way. My bingo family gave me a nice, safe, soft spot to land when absolutely nothing was going my way. I love even the people that get on my last nerve there, but the chaos of my mind is reflected outright every single time I look in that bingo "cage"... The same patterns and combinations of patterns emerge over and over even though the possibilities are quite literally infinite...and that is only using 75 numbers. When I think about the odds of winning the lottery, they are even rarer despite needing far fewer numbers to win, so what fucking sense does that make? Really big and really small numbers blow my mind, and when I think about an ever expanding universe and the equally possible multi-universe - I get a headache. There is something awe-inspiring about how really big and small our world is at the same time. It makes me thing about things like balance and harmony, yin and yang, within and without, and once again, I descend into madness at how DIVINE our world really is. The only real sin is taking any of it for granted. Maybe being in love with more than one person isn't the worst thing in the world. I need all the love I can get. When I consider how the dog could have killed me rather than maiming me, my heart swells with gratitude. And for the doctors and other healthcare workers who got James and I through. And for my dad and Cindy who have dumped their savings trying to find me and James some place to call our own. And my dying daddy again for his expertise and physical labor DESPITE his chemo-brain on the efforts to make this camper trailer something livable and cheap for us to call home. I get angry thinking about what has been stopping me from doing any better for myself than I have been these last 4-5 years. I HOPE I CAN KEEP THIS CLARITY, because feeling sorry for myself is actually quite exhausting, boring and altogether futile. So is running from the feelings I've been processing. Maybe the time for leaning into them is now. I'm ready to heal. The setbacks I've faced haven't killed me, and I've certainly become a much nicer person. It was a radical cure, one I cannot in good conscience recommend to others, but hey, every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
10:20 p.m. - 2022-12-16
Recent entries:
Listening to in the Background - 2022-12-20
Exquisite Memory - 2022-12-20
Ocean - 2022-12-20
The Price of Fame - 2022-12-19
I Want the Truth......Please - 2022-12-16
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