Just to clarify, the only "mothering" I require is a friend to bounce ideas off and someone who actually gives a shit about me that I can utilize to save me from myself when that is necessary. Because of the memory issues, I just don't trust myself to make the best BIG decisions for me anymore.
Have I been using? Very, very little. Kratom and vaping (to cut back on cigarettes). Getting to meetings is difficult owing to transportation problems, but I may actually be able to catch one tomorrow after I take James to work. Extremely moderate use of Delta, but I think that is more about managing my anxiety and difficult time falling asleep without my meds.
I'm already working on that self-inventory.
Maybe it was to fight for custody and maybe it was to inspire me, too. I'm fucking inspired, man. If you can do it, so can I.
Do we know how long the newest fight over control/the sale may take?
I'm so sorry it has gotten ugly between you. She should have offered it to you first for one simple reason - your kids. I get the inclination (more than you know), but life is too short to hang onto resentments. It is too short to fight over things that don't matter. It is too short to waste our energy and our precious time on people and scenarios unworthy of us.
I think of Monte Cristo, and while it is still one of my favorite books, life is also too short and too precious to waste on revenge.
I know it is not important to focus on why, but I still wonder what caused my acute-onset memory loss since there were no drugs at all in my system when I was in hospital. If it had been a suicide attempt, there would have been drugs in my system. I also remember promising my mother before she passed that I would cut that shit out. It may have taken me longer to do than I expected owing to the insane level of grief and depression, but I would have complied. The amnesia has been both the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. It has made me nicer and kinder and more understanding and more patient in every way possible, but I STILL hear daily (multiple times a day) shitty comments from people about what the fuck is my problem that I can't remember certain things. Their collective amnesia is worse than my personal one.
Sometimes it feels like someone shot me in the head with a small-caliber bullet. For all I know, someone may have.
It's a sign of the times. I'll stop my crying. We got to get away... Btw, love that track, Harry
1:35 a.m. - 2022-09-29
Recent entries:
His Gift - 2022-09-29
Moving On Out of Sheer Fucking Necessity - 2022-09-29
Fucking Impossible Decisions: A Tale of Two (or More) Lovers - 2022-09-29
Making Me Nervous by Brad Sucks - 2022-09-29
Back N Forth - 2022-09-29
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