Have you ever "listened" to a conversation, but all you really heard was "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?"
I feel like I'm daydreaming my way through life, but all I think is "sober, sober, sober, sober, sober." That's five sobers for those of you not into counting.
Why?
Because after everything I've been through, it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, perhaps because it is the only thing within my control. Overcoming addiction is no easy feat, and it takes courage and a discipline I'm not sure I have.
The good news is that my lower back is good now. As an amnesiac, I have no recollection as to how. I know my lower back used to be an absolute nightmare. Did I get it fused and forget, or has it just gotten better on its own since I lost weight and don't have my breasts pulling my whole upper body forward any longer?
I do still have legitimate pain in my neck (owing to bulging two discs a long time ago), but it is far more bearable than my lower back pain used to be, and massage and OTC pain relievers get it done for the most part.
I absolutely have to make more meetings. Perhaps now that I'm back on my meds again, I will. Shutting my brain down to fall asleep has been a challenge for me since I was a child. Working nights doesn't help.
I didn't stop taking my meds on purpose - I ran out during Corona and then had to re-qualify for my eligibility for them after returning to work.
I'm working on it, folks. I really am. I go long stretches without using anything at all, but I'm starting to realize that the whole AA theory about addiction having something to do with an allergy might just be spot on.
The only drug I know I will never become addicted to is alcohol because it is my least favorite by far, but I can see myself leaning too heavily on it if I allow myself to have it. Plus, my brother, with whom I live, absolutely hates it when I drink. Apparently, I'm an obnoxious drinker.
But he's out of work right now so we can't even afford it anyway.
I have to find healthier ways to decompress.
My memory is better now that I am working again. And I am having an easier time with my long-term memories, too. I still get anxious that I'll forget important stuff which absolutely does still happen, but it mostly occurs when I'm distracted (which is often). My brain is always trying to remember things and it fills those gaps in my memories with a more interesting reality if I'm not careful. I used to take ADD medication years ago, and now I think I am going to have to relent and get back on them. My thoughts bounce around like a ping-pong ball.
I wish I could figure out how to monetize that in the form of a book somehow. Truthfully, I don't even care about being successful, I just want to publish a memoir if it kills me. It would be even cooler if it were actually any good. I have wanted to be a writer since the earliest days of Sex and The City. But I don't have anything to write about.
I'm reminded of something Brad Pitt said once. He realized at some point in his career, after there was so much pressure to choose interesting roles, that it was more important to him to have an interesting life. THAT is what I need to work towards. If I have a more interesting life, then I can write about my experiences and they will be naturally more interesting.
I'm getting this life together one painstaking day at a time.
1:37 a.m. - 2021-10-08
Recent entries:
For Good - 2021-10-18
Dream a Little Dream of Me - 2021-10-18
True Faith - 2021-10-13
Target - 2021-10-11
I Believe in Miracles - 2021-10-09
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