No one understands what it is like - living in my mind. Major events happen out of order and I forget the most important things even when they are staring me in the face. The trouble is, I'm right back where I started. Life is a birth-life-and death cycle, and I've been dying for too long now. I want to die and be reborn amidst the ashes. And I'm sure I have tried it before. This story begins before my mother even died. I question everything. I don't have access to my memories the same way most people do. They are there somewhere, but I have to open certain doors to have access to some of them. It's like an old-school video game. To get to certain memories, you have to tear down a wall, jump over alligators and kick the hangman right in the noose. I feel like I was unworthy of you, and the longer I have to go without seeing you the farther away I get from being my best self. But because there is too much on the line for you, I have steered clear which seems to be what everybody wants. I'm sorry that I don't know how to trust good people the right way and the wrong people not at all. I'm child-like that way. It's why I was always in search of a mother after my own passed. I needed someone I could trust (trust not to manipulate my memory or to have motivations against my own). Who else, other than a mother, can you trust? And like an early follower of Jesus, I asked you to keep my commandments simple. And I feel like I failed at that, too. I'm sure you've heard one too many excuses - but hasn't God, too? Humanity is either worth saving or it's not. And I promise my heart is pure as long as my head is on straight. But keeping my head on straight means I need reminders. For example, if it is real, why doesn't my brother know anything about it. He keeps me real, so if there is something worth remembering for me, he MUST know. Do you want to know the biggest fear I have? It's that I would get to a place in my life where I wouldn't need for anything and yet I still would be a mess because my brain doesn't work right. I just want to be okay no matter what happens in life, and I'm tired of losing people rather than gaining them. So, I guess I'm a people collector. I just want an ocean full of friends. I want people to smile and be more kind and considerate even though we're in a pandemic, well, especially because we're in a pandemic. I know I sound naive. I suppose I am, but that is what I would bother to fight for if I had any fight left in me. I know you. For real, I know you. And you did meet my mom before she passed away. So here's my one question: why would you let me forget?
8:25 p.m. - 2020-03-31
Recent entries:
Don't You Forget About Me - 2021-07-31
My Advice if it Matters at All - 2021-07-31
Urgent: Slowly Disintegrating and Virtually Disappearing Sense of Reality - 2021-07-28
Ladies Light it Up - 2020-04-25
Bored to Death - 2020-04-03
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