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2019-10-07 - 4:01 a.m.
Grief is so powerful. It plays tricks with your mind in the most unfathomable ways.
I pray this is not an issue of ego and rather of disappointment that I don't love myself enough to accept good things.
Remind me of who I was, for a time. And come back to me so I can love you in this lifetime.
My mind mixes things up and around, especially when I do not have the truth reinforced into my new reality, but someone is keeping a watchful ear. When I said your name, I got an immediate text saying, "I heard that." Of that I am sure. And then soon thereafter the tabs came back - you know the ones. Not all play.
The information that hung so heavy in the air and around my heart that it almost split me into from the sheer force of the divine light.
I hope it was you that sent him away, praying that he is actually away. I did love him. My heart has such an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness. But he did not love me the right way - the way I deserve to be loved.
Whatever our agreement was, I sincerely beg your forgiveness for breaking it. It takes me several tries to accept news this profound. And I am sorry for thinking the worst of you for a time.
I don't know how we proceed or what to expect, but all I know is that truth - that you wanted me for yourself - I buried it so deep inside me out of respect for her that I smothered it. The light needed to guide me home went out. Fade to black.
You are not the most hated man. You are very, very much loved by me.