Things are as depressing as ever. Still living with my brother and sister-in-law, and I called this morning to get information about Northstar. It is a mental health plan for the indigent. I guess I'm officially indigent.
I lack money, a home, a job, insurance, and hope. A favorite movie of mine says that you got to have hope, that is it perhaps the best of things. But I'm bereft of hope. I have been plugging away hoping things will change in my situation, but it only gets more dire. I desperately need a job, but I swear there seems as if there are no jobs to be had. The ones I can handle I'm over-qualified for, and the ones I'm qualified for I have trouble getting responses to because I have been unemployed for a while now. It's like a double-edged sword.
I miss my mom. It has been over two years since she passed, and I still think of her obsessively. Perhaps if I had a job, I would have other things on my mind. I would love to have work, men, sex and alcohol on the brain, but all I can think of is how to pass the day. I wake up shortly before 9:00 each day, and I wait out the hours every day. They tick by so slowly, too. It seems like no matter what I do, only five minutes have passed.
Will I ever be restored to my former self? I know it's not a matter of waiting, but that I have to assume control and make things better for myself. The trouble is, I am at the mercy of my family, and they all have different ideas about what I should be doing with my time. My brother barely thinks I'm capable of finding a job, and even if I did, he's worried about how I will get back and forth. I have no car. I can only hope and pray that if I found a decent job, my aunt and cousins would help with transportation arrangements.
I have never been so low in my entire life. It seems like everything just came crashing down on me one day, but I know that's not true. I am in a cage of my own making, and I got here by doing absolutely nothing for a long time. I let my life collapse around me, and I didn't even care about the consequences. Perhaps I wasn't able. Losing my mom really did a number on my head and heart. She was my one true warrior, fighting for me up until the day she died. I'll never find anyone ever again who cared so much about me. I might find someone to love me again one day, perhaps I'll even marry again, but whomever it is will never love me as my mom did. I am profoundly aware of this, and it is the hardest part about letting go. No one will ever love me like my momma loved me - warts and all. How am I ever supposed to move on knowing this?
I wish I had sexy adventures to talk of here. I would even settle for a few amusing anecdotes. Alas, I have nothing to offer but my grief, sadness, gloom and despair. And isn't that exactly what your deepest heart desires?
I'm at a loss as to how to make my life better in the short-term. For example, how do I make it through today? It is 11:00 am, and I am hungry, but there is no food to eat. And things are so tight here that I overheard my brother telling Michelle that we cannot buy any more groceries for a while. I am about to truly experience hunger.
I have friends (sort of), why aren't any of them here to help me? They all live in other states or I've lost touch. I lost so much when I gave up on life.
I don't know how to end this entry. I usually have some quip or words of hope. All I have now is the ache of my hungry belly, tears and regret. If I shit in one hand and want in the other, I wonder which will fill up faster?
10:43 a.m. - 2014-02-25
Recent entries:
Urgent: Slowly Disintegrating and Virtually Disappearing Sense of Reality - 2021-07-28
Ladies Light it Up - 2020-04-25
Bored to Death - 2020-04-03
A Cold and Broken Hallelujah - 2020-03-31
A Cold and Broken Hallelujah - 2020-03-31
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