After another day spent procrastinating on my studying for my Group One license exam, I find myself sitting in silence�at my mother�s. Usually I come to my mom�s to get away from my everyday, hectic life, to enjoy good company, and hopefully, some of mom�s good home-cooked food. But as the quiet set in, I realized that was at someone else�s home, and the occupants were not around, only me. Throughout the course of the day, my grandmother had gone to visit my aunt, my mom had stepped out to play Bingo, and my brother had slipped away to hang with his friends. And I was in their home, alone.
Why am I still here? I don�t live here. Why didn�t I leave to go home and study, do the laundry, or call up a friend to have dinner or the like?
I�m beginning to realize I am�careful now�co-dependent. This is my nightmare. I am afraid to be alone. I wasn�t always this way, and I still crave time to myself. So why is it that I can�t be happy and alone? When the world around me is still and I�ve nothing to do but think, am I restricted to analyzing and deconstructing my life?
I am beginning to fear that I have developed sense of self from the responses and feedback of others. Have I been fooling myself about who I really am all this time? For someone who always thought I was pretty self-aware, this is a little more than unsettling.
I have always placed such an importance on being independent, but what does that really mean? I earn my own living, I cook (or order) my own meals, and I get myself up for work everyday. But can I make myself happy, all on my own? Is that even possible? Do we need other people in our lives from whom we learn, share good times and bad, and lean on when in need?
Can we be complete without a relationship?
I�m going out of my mind thinking of the loves I�ve scared away, the loves I�ve let slip away, and the loves I�ve never let get too close, as though keeping them at arm�s length will protect me from some inevitable pain.
I know that I�m sick of the dating scene, the setups, and the meaningless sex that just makes me feel more empty and alone. I�m ready to let someone in, but that only introduces more fears of never finding the right one. I don�t want to be alone, but I don�t want to settle, either.
For now, I�ll settle on studying followed by a long, hot bath and a good night�s sleep. Maybe I�ll meet the love of my life tomorrow. In the meantime, I�ll do my best to enjoy being alone.
Alone and unafraid.
11:47 p.m. - 2002-08-03
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