Been feeling lonely lately. Perhaps it's because I'm moving out and getting my own place soon. But I find myself daydreaming about things that have happened over the past year...you know, the oohhey, goohey stuff that makes us cringe when it's written in to a sitcom or romance-drama, but when it happens in real life, it's what we never forget. Anyway, it seems to get me through my loneliness.
For example, I think a lot about Jason. That's right dear readers, I've decided to start using the real names of the people in my life rather than keep up with all of their pseudonyms, because frankly, years of toxins make it more and more difficult to keep up with anything. Jason is Mr. Hot. Mr. Drop Dead. And I miss him terribly. He just appeared one day, the new website designer on contract at work, and as quickly as he came, he drifted away. My last email to him came back undeliverable. And I was crushed. His band website has disappeared, too, and all I have left is a dubbed mix CD. Some great tracks, but a poor substitute.
His last name isn't Smith or anything, but it's common enough to make calling information a waste of my time. But there was nothing common about Jason.
Jason is a musician, and well, I've always had a hard on for the artistic type. Was he the next Ian Moore, Jeff Buckley? I don't know, but I really loved some of the pop, bubblegumesque tracks he came up with during our short time together. And the scary fact is, I'm beginning to lose the melody in my mind. My memory is fading, and I have nothing to remind me.
For months, I was just grateful for the experience, for knowing him, as short-lived as it may have been. Grateful that someone out there seemed able to see me and hear me, to stop and take notice of what I had to offer. I'm beginning to remember why it meant so much...because it's as rare as a bloody carcass. And now I feel like such a fool for letting him slip away.
I'm reminded of one of my all-time favorite Ian songs, Magdelena, "Leaving things as they need to be, but some things are not for me." Right now, I wish I had the wherewithall to pull off one of those romantic-drama happy endings where we find each other in the end and kiss until the credits roll.
Jason, if you're out there, this is for you. It's not my work, but when I hear it, I always think of you.
"So the sun has a way of going straight to my head.
I get hazy and lazy, can't get from my bed.
So I lay back and stare at your sarafin hair for a while.
And it's crawling, creeping, covering my skin.
I can't eat, I can't breathe, if I did anything
'Cept your lips and your tongue and we're moving as, moving as one.
Hey, just let me lay in your bed for a while.
Cause I'm drunk and I'm happy inside of you
And if this thing will help pull you through,
It gets you through,
It gets you through,
There's nothing else more I will do."
Jason, if you drop in for a visit, sign the guestbook, I'd love to hear from you.
9:17 p.m. - 2002-06-30
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